Jerry, you need to find god
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
