Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
