wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Vodka?
Forever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
