people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
