I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I believe in your delicious
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
