dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
