I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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