the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish my penis had a tongue
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
