Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
