Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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