You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
