a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
