My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
