I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
