im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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