Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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