Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
