There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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