I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
