Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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