I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
