my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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