my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
NoShamevember. You game?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
