All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
