she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
