its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
