11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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