i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
