I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
