I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
