i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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