Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
