Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
