i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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