I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
