A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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