a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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