No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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