Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
