I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
