I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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