I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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