why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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