my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
