I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
