Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
