my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
