sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
