yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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