I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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