It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
