Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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